Time

I has been a chunk since I last blogged. I was walking tonight with my neighbor and said I would...so I am. Many funny things have happened that are blog worthy, but they all escape my memory now. It's just the rattling off of thoughts that eek out after...sheesh! almost a year!...of not blogging. We have a new driver in the family. Emma purchased a lovely Mitsubishi Galant a few weeks ago and we have seen very little of her since. She is gainfully employed and has her own knitting business on Etsy as well. She is quite a gal. She drives herself to daily Mass, and all over Cherokee county visiting people and running errands. The car is reliable, drives well, and has most of it's hubcaps. I tried to get her to let me paint the chipped front bumper to look like teeth, but she won't let me. Kids these days. She is still homeschooled and looking at colleges. She is considering nursing as a career, which sort of surprises me and makes perfect sense at the same time. She has Grammy for a great role model and she has the heart of a servant. And what better job security that a bunch of spoiled old people who made millions in the 80s? (I just resisted the temptation to put a hashtag there...FYI) I am homeschooling Melanie and Andrew and it has been a great year. I will say that homeschooling is more fun with money. I don't know if they can still get excited about math class in the thrift store when we have friends who are touring DC for History class. It's a stretch. We have had an interesting year with Chris' job finally becoming profitable again, but not quite profitable enough, and me quitting painting to homeschool. Activities have been homemade and low rent. Egg drops have been big this year. I thank Modern Family for the inspiration, and chickens for the means. They have invented at least a dozen different ways to gently land an egg. I'm sure that will benefit them greatly at some point in their future. I can make up some razzle dazzle for the transcript but you and I know that they were just having fun making a mess. I get why those fresco artists used the eggs in their paint. I know how they discovered the method as well. They were painting a grand ad for some face cream on the side of a building in the colonnade and after work on Friday, some derelict kids (probably ancient Coulters)threw eggs at their work. On Monday when they returned to find the damage they cursed and scrubbed but the darn egg just wouldn't come off. Three years later, when passing by, they noticed that the only remaining part of their mural was within the splatter marks from the egg vandals. Lightbulb....voila! Egg tempera! It's true. Google it. Speaking of Google, I had a brilliant idea of naming my homeschool institution Google U. Then I googled it and guess what? Someone already did it. I hate it when that happens. It happens a lot. Sometimes I wake up at night with brilliance pouring out of my brain, only to find that it's already poured from another. Day late, dollar short. Well I think that I've primed the pump, and I should be able to write more now. Especially since I remembered my password. I have a great story about the garbage disposal and a dinner party....coming soon.

Not feeling the sunny side

If you are looking for cheerful inspiration, stop reading now. Not feeling it today. Mama always said emotions are like a box of chocolates and today I am that nasty orange fluff that curls my lip.
My grandmother is dying. It's not that it's too soon...she's almost 95. That is an unfathomable age. When she was born they did not have a bathroom, a car, heat, air conditioner, or a private phone line. I'm surprised the shock of living through so many changes in the world didn't kill her alone. The world outside is nearly unrecognizable to rural Mississippi early 1900s. With the exception of people. People haven't changed so much. And that's why she made it. Nannie married my Pop and had two daughters that lived. I believe she had five miscarriages and a still born son, Andrew. My mother is her oldest daughter. From the beginning of her married life she cared for others. She was disowned for marrying a Catholic, but cared for her estranged family members as they aged and needed help as if it never happened. Without hesitation. Nannie cared for her siblings, all 12 of them, at one time or another. She gave them shelter when they needed a place to stay, food when they were hungry, advice when they needed it (or not), and made clothes for everyone. Her hands were directly connected to her heart. She made her children's clothes, food, and world. She was the heart of the family. She continued to love in the face of betrayal, heartache, disappointment, and abuse. She was the glue that held them together.
When I came around, Nannie was the center of my world. She lived with us shortly after I was born and bestowed upon me the lion's share of her love and attention. I grew up thinking I was royalty. Though it took some hard lessons to give me the right perspective about my royalty, I still to this day feel eternally blessed through her eyes.

Her eyes are dimming. And that's why I am hurting today. This is the end of something I can't see beyond. Tomorrow I might have some sense of perspective, understanding, peace, but today it just hurts real bad. This side of a great loss is uncomfortably heavy.

Whores

One of my friends posted on facebook the other day about Rhianna's pornographic performance on the music awards. It got me thinking....it actually got me boiling. Maybe it's my age now, thirty-something, when I start to look more closely at the way women act. Maybe it's being married almost 17 years, I don't know. I have noticed a pathetic attempt by women to adopt "stripper appeal" in their everyday lives. I see it at the grocery store in the afternoon, at swim team practice, at the elementary school PTA events (I'll be writing later on Bascomb moms) and of course at night, well as Whodini said, "The freaks come out at night" in Towne Lake. We dress as we feel, as we aspire to feel, and to make a statement...and that's what bothers me. The media portrayal of hot, sexy women has so deeply embedded its agenda into the general population that I bet you could go to any town any time of day and see a wanna be hooker taking her kids shopping. I don't think it's even conscious in all cases (You can tell the ones that ARE) (wait patiently for the Bascomb moms blog).

I remember getting sent home from school for dressing inappropriately and causing a distraction in my class. I was trying to be punk in the 80's and I was wearing leggings and an oversized "All the colors of the world" Benneton t-shirt. No booty showing, just tight pants. No boobies showing, just a big shirt. That was '87-'88ish. It was too much for the school. Taken a peek at the way middle and high schoolers dress these days, in school? Mrs. Boyette and Mrs. Longman would DROP DEAD on sight. I wonder if they are still teaching? Anyway, my point is that fashion, or the lack thereof, has moved rapidly into a niche of belief (there's probably a better word for that) that women are not women unless they are sexy. Period.

This challenges my own beliefs and desires to be attractive. I remember a study done on kindergartners about their impression of women with different visual appearances. They were shown images of older women with long dresses, less attractive women without makeup, and scantily clad women with lots of makeup and asked "Do you think she is nice? Do you think she is a good teacher?" The kids all thought the hottie ladies were nicer and better teachers....aka better women. It's deep, y'all. I wonder if we did that study today what they would say.....maybe I'll do a little test. I have no desire to look like Nanny McPhee to a child, and I want to be attractive to the general population, my husband, and the kids in my life. There's a fine line between clever and stupid, hooker and nice lady.

Last night my whole family watched RAW (Monday night wrestling) I know, I know, how can I complain about ANYTHING on that raunchy show. But here's the deal. My husband, GLH, grew up watching wrestling and has shared his love for the "sport" with his sons. That is good. They have a date each week watching together. That is good. They have something to play and talk about together. That is good. You with me? Ok. So my girls have also jumped in the mix, cause they all like a good fight. It is what it is. Last night the Divas came on. They are women wrestlers who fight each other during the match. Yes, basically fancy mud wrestling. I usually don't watch them because they get on my nerves at best, but I watched my boys watch them last night (hubby included). The ladies were peppering their fights with stripper moves. Pole moves, hair tosses, grinding, hip swings, etc....traditional moves that signal every mans groin to stand at attention. My boys were glued (hubby included). I asked that they change the channel. Have you ever tried to take a bone from a dog? Same reaction. You think those images will settle into my boys subconscious belief of what attractive is? You bet'cha. Now we are going to flush this out, 'cause that's what good moms do. Offer an alternative. Give them a mental comparison of equal strength and let nature weigh it out. Can't make it happen, but sure can set it up like a bank shot. That's why we go to Mass, and that's why we talk about it.

So when my friends ask me to come to their "Vertical Fitness" class, I have to decline. Not because I have any problem being a lady in the street and a freak in the bed, but because I have to be an obstacle to the indoctrination of my boys, and the public acceptance of whores.

I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say

Thank you , Jesus, for keeping us on our toes and not laying out all of the details of your Plan. The predicted "Rapture" came and went this weekend as we entertained 60+ kids and their families at the lake. No one even hesitated at 6pm, they were too enraptured with the beautiful sun, cool lake water, food, and friends. As it should be. I thought maybe the ascension part was faulty and the "chaff" just fell and the "wheat" was left to roam the earth. Not so, life goes on, good and bad today.

This is the last Monday of school! This week is sure to burn my eyebrows off with speed and activity, but it is the last, so I can take it. It has been a whirlwind for months now while everyone tries to finish up for the year. I do not care for the before Christmas break and end of year parts of school. The frenzy is too much with four in school and church classes. There is something to be said for just ending without pomp and circumstance, just stop. The celebration is you don't have to go anymore and the present is the paycheck you receive. Now that may sound ugly but IMHO there is WAY too much celebration and reward going around the Towne Lake area. It's like we have set up celebrations like stepping stones instead of achievement. We just get from one to the next feeling accomplished and constantly elated. I don't like it. The permanent smile begins to look like the Joker's disconnect between mouth and eyes, or a doll's eternal toothy grin. Fake, insincere. And the food....oh the food. My kids have feasted for weeks at various events on sugar sugar sugar sugar.

There was another great "Overheard at the Coulter's" moment last week but I cannot remember what was said!! I hope to wake up with that in my head instead of yet another morning song stuck on replay.

Anyway, I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be...but, if you wait around a while....I'll make you fall for me...I promise.

Awakening an Old Idea

Perhaps it has been asleep in me. I know it was there before, it lived under the surface, but recently it has awakened and revealed it's head and chest, and perhaps some of it's tender underbelly. Unschooling is rocking our dusty way of life! The idea that individual freedom within a family, within one's own modus operandi, is an honor we afford others and protect and defend in ourselves. As I watch Emma steer her own ship and direct her own desires, I feel the buzzing of being awake to ancient truths. My clearer vision watches people run around and cram artificial life into each moment of their day, deciding for one another, forcing and manipulating one another, steering one another, and I see those who are numb and willing to be steered following, glazed over, marching. I am keenly aware of comments and words that numb me out. "How are you today?" in the checkout. "Fine, thank you."(thought clearly I am NOT having a good day) "Have a nice day." What does that say to me? Not worth it. There's power in mixing it up: "How are you today?" "Crappy, I just left my wallet on the hood of my car." Or "Frustrated because the one thing I came here for is gone." Just honest. Is what it is. Honoring true feelings and not "supposed tos". Makes me feel better, less numb, less drone-like. The little things I see in my home that happen between people...little dominations, little exterminations, have to be challenged (much to some dismay!) for the sake of the big dominations and exterminations. "Be the change you want to see in the world", right? It matters. All the little battles count on the big field, because of physics and momentum and all of the laws of energy are on the side of the one who's acting and moving and praying. It is the freedom of following and therefore honoring your own instincts that places value on the human person, and that defeats attacks on the human person! Valuing life in more than words and doctor's offices give more momentum to our side and creates more energy exponentially in the lives of my children. This, however, gets me into trouble, too. It's an atrocity to live this way and then to throw in a little parental domination in a tired moment. It is also a poverty when both parents aren't on the same page. I am de-structuring more easily than my mate. He's wearing concrete control shoes. It is much harder for him to see, & therefore act, in a way that allows others freedom to make their own decisions. He is at a place where he sees infractions in others parenting style, but not all of his own. I am sure that I offend as well. Not accusing, just stating that there is a difference in understanding and comfort level with giving up control. He sees the value in letting Emma direct her learning experience this year. He sees the abomination of other's telling their kids what and when to dress themselves, when to eat, when to move, when to sleep...with no consideration of the child's wants. So I know we are making progress...but it is a huge challenge to de-structure family control patterns. It's is something so entrenched in the vernacular, that it in often invisible and always layered. I am a miner. I am digging, digging for the gems I know lie under the rock. And when I dig them out in chunks with big tools, I get out my little pics and brushes and work with a delicate hand.

Today, Well just right now

Not that I can speak for the whole of today, cause you never know what's going to happen...but I'm grumpy and tired and SLOW moving this morning. I am having an internal battle with the idea of having to be Doing something, anything, to be justified. I guess it is the watchful eye of parents that makes me believe this...and past employers, and society in general. The value for being busy is high in these parts. School is 7 hours of unending activity...hurry up and get to the next thing. The kids come home frenzied, then dazed, then exhausted. Then football! Oh, football. Where have we been without you? Jack is finally entertained! The boy wakes up bored. If he's not Doing for more than 5 minutes, he's devastatingly bored. Football has practically ended that. Right now they are practicing every night for 2 hours. That will drop to 3 days a week and a game on Saturday. Anyway, the internal battle I was talking about. Jack doesn't have it I guess, he's just wired to be going 24-7 at about a 50mph clip. I am a bit more subdued. I like a 25mph pace, (unless I'm actually driving)and I like to turn off the main roads and get lost and see what I can see. I've always found that song 'The Bear Went over the Mountain' depressing. There's no value in seeing the other side of the mountain?? That's a hymn to keep the people down and in their place. Don't like it. I like to see.

So my agitation is that with Emma at home, there's no daily structure. She does get up and clean and go with me to work or stay at home and map out the week or month or plan something...but I am NOT IN CONTROL OF WHAT SHE DOES. I knew this wasn't going to be easy. This year is dedicated to her doing what she finds interesting and going as deep as she desires into whatever it is. It's an abomination in the eyes of traditional dictator-ish parenting! It's a stretch even for me! I like to think of myself as a respectful parent in my best moments, which admits that I don't always meet that goal. I have said the words "Because I said so" on many occasions and though I am not regretful of them, I see their lack of respect and worth. I'm definately not at the "we're all equals here" level, and I may never be, but I do see my kids as NOT MY POSSESSIONS and myself as their caretaker and not their boss. They are a gift to me, I get to be their mom for this lifetime, and they belong to God. I'm a guardian. I protect, defend, and prepare them for their lives, which are uniquely their own. So when I say "Because I said so!" What I really am saying is I am too tired/angry/hungry/sad/lazy/irritated/distracted to debate this. And that's just human. Not great, but real.
So back to the pressure of quantity over quality. Today I'm going to put it aside and do what I have to do so I can do what I want to do. I heard that in a GREAT movie this weekend 'The Great Debaters'. Forest Whitaker kept saying that to his son. Tis truth. Reading Rx: James Farmer. 'Lay Bare The Heart'
On to do what I have to do...paint something, quote something, pick some colors, take a cellular shade to Buckhead cause my painter broke it, and eat. Emma is doing her thing. I'm stepping back a half step.

This summer has been most exciting. I took a break from work (which HAPPENED to coincide with not getting calls) and played with the kiddos! We spent three weeks traveling to the beach at Edisto, Nashville, and Knoxville, Tennessee. We saw lots of friends and family, made new friends, and got really tan! It has been a waterlogged summer! The girls got Six Flags passes from Grandma and Grandpa for Christmas and we have worn them out! Six Flags is great fun when it's empty and below 90 degrees. Luckily, with passes we can bolt if either factor rises.

Our family is taking a new journey this year with Emma. We have decided not to go back to high school, and to create our own "curriculum" if you will. Emma has many interests that she has held since she was little. She is going to spend the year following those interests, learning as much as she can about them, and deciding if they are her life's direction. She is going to work, and I think she is going to love it. We spent the past 6 or 8 weeks mulling over this idea of "unschool" and trying to think about every aspect and consequence of leaving traditional school. We looked at private education and traditional homeschool. Neither of those paths looked good to us, so after much discussion and prayer, we have decided to give it a shot. Emma is very excited, I'm excited, and Muggs is totally jazzed about it, which took me by surprise. He's definately more of a traditionalist than I am. The only person NOT excited is my mom. She is really worried that we are ruining Emma. I guess I can see her point, being a public school teacher for almost 40 years. I don't know if she can see the bigger picture...yet. I've asked her to read a couple of books and keep an open mind, which she said she would, so hopefully we will all learn a lot from this and we will all benefit from the adventure! http://www.collegewithouthighschool.com/
Jackson has started football and that has brought on many hours at the field and lots of good times, so far. Friday was the first pads and tackling practice and Jack loved it. I have never seen him in his 8 years be totally entertained and thrilled as he has been playing football. It seems to be his thing!

So as summer draws to a close, we are so grateful for another healthy, happy vacation, and we are looking forward to all of the school craziness (I think) that is starting Monday!