It's 2am the night before, or the morning of, the first day of school. My babies are asleep. Emma is going to High School. Julianna is going to Intermediate school for 5th grade, Melanie is in 4th, the eldest at Bascomb Elementary, Jackson is in 2nd and Andrew, my little boy, is going to Kindergarten. At 8:15am I will be alone. I have 6 more hours of being a stay at home mom. I am going to work, and they are going to school. It's done.
I have worked off an on over the past fourteen years, but not full time since Julianna was born. She's 10. I'm freaking out. I have been so child centered for so long, I can't imagine focusing on myself, my career as an artist, making money, supporting us financially, owning a business. It's so strange to shift focus. I know that just because they are in school doesn't mean I'm done, not by a long shot....these four years with Emma are going to be tough. The younger four need so much from me, too, but during the day, they are in someone else's care. I feel a little guilty about that. My house is going to be quiet for a big chunk of time. I can think. That could be dangerous.
I wonder if I did a good job. I mean, I know I gave all of myself to my children, (I know that because there's not much left) but I wonder if I really did my best. There were so many times I was just so tired that I couldn't think, or act, clearly. The law of motion dictated a lot of my parenting. Once things were set on a course, I maintained and reacted, not necessarily driving the ship, but manning it. I don' know. I watch other people now and second guess my choices. I'm sure everyone does. Ugh! I'm so damn emotional! Maybe I shouldn't have watched the "break up" episode of John and Kate Plus Eight. I was transfixed by their pain and the thought that it's SO easy to quit. This is how it's done, this is what it looks like. They just move on, and deal with it. God.
I put a note on Emma's napkin in her lunch box. I don't think I ever did that before. I never wanted them to get homesick during the day with a whiny note saying hey! don't forget me! But now that she's OLD, and somewhat emotionally sound (I can't believe I'm saying that! she's a teenager with raging hormones!) I figured it was ok to shout out from the homestead and tell her I'm proud of her. I really am. My God, she is so different than I was at 14. She actually cares about stuff. She's a good kid. She's a beautiful girl. I am truly proud to be her mom.
I've got three brunches to go to tomorrow, and I could get a massage, or a facial. I could go for a walk, or to the gym. I could paint all day. I could organize something, rearrange, clean out the garage, or the basement and get my studio started. I could stay in bed and cry. I could drink. I wonder what I'll feel like doing.
I hope I don't follow the bus.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Yay Me! (clap, clap, clap, clap)
I am resting in the glow of a perfect Saturday. Might Heaven be like this? It was Mom Appreciation Day today. No, not Mother's Day, that will still happen later this year. We politely stole the tradition of Appreciation Day from our good friends, the Armisteads. It was created to lift the spirit of one who is feeling blue, neglected, left out, or just for the heck of it. Today was my day. I got to take a nap, pick dinner, NOT cook it, and NOT clean it up. I had the best nap in the sun, just like a cat! Chris took the kids to the store to buy ingredients for spicy sausage penne vodka pasta - my fave!! It was SO good. Bread, wine and "poof!"I was a princess...that's all it takes! Then we watched Get Smart with the kids. I loved it, too. I deserved this. I know that's bold, but it has been a hell of a month, and I needed the lift.
I hope that I am able to blog soon about the challenges we have faced recently as a family. I'm not ready yet, but I aim to be, so that others can benefit from our struggles. I am so grateful to be held in the grace of a loving God, caring friends, and supportive family. I truly don't believe that we could make it if we didn't have this loving community around us! Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude...it does take a village. (but I still don't like Hillary)
Went to Mindy's last week for a brief respite from these four walls. We went grassboarding in downtown Chattanooga and had a blast! I hope to get pictures up soon. It's always centering and healing to be with her family. They really do a great job living intentionally. I don't know anyone who puts more thought and energy into family than the Haworths. So blessed to know them. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude...
I am off to cuddle with a book, our new dog, and all of this warm, fuzzy happiness that I so needed! Love, Shanna
I hope that I am able to blog soon about the challenges we have faced recently as a family. I'm not ready yet, but I aim to be, so that others can benefit from our struggles. I am so grateful to be held in the grace of a loving God, caring friends, and supportive family. I truly don't believe that we could make it if we didn't have this loving community around us! Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude...it does take a village. (but I still don't like Hillary)
Went to Mindy's last week for a brief respite from these four walls. We went grassboarding in downtown Chattanooga and had a blast! I hope to get pictures up soon. It's always centering and healing to be with her family. They really do a great job living intentionally. I don't know anyone who puts more thought and energy into family than the Haworths. So blessed to know them. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude...
I am off to cuddle with a book, our new dog, and all of this warm, fuzzy happiness that I so needed! Love, Shanna
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Birthday Madness
The birthday run is almost over. Dec 3 -Muggs, Dec. 7 -Jack, Dec.27 -me, Dec.31 -Anniversary, Jan. 5 -M-I-L, Jan.12 -Julianna, Jan. 17 -Mom, Feb. 26 -Andrew. Add Christmas and car tags....=BROKE & Nuts. Poor Jack had a sleepover a month after his birthday, cause everything got so crazy. Hmmm. Better planning next year. Maybe a family Christmas cruise to satisfy all! It's probably cheaper! I am getting ready for a week of possibilities. Well, aren't they all? I am in the running for lost of various jobs...bus driver, substitute teacher, lampwork bead maker, some mysterious school system job, then there's the art thing. Ebay store proprietor may be in the running, too. Junk dealer. The world is my oyster! God only knows where the arrow will point on my wheel-o-careers.
I'm also thinking about Armageddon and war, and financial disasters, too. It's difficult sometimes to balance doing laundry, making lunches, and pontificating inescapable doom. The Novena begins tonight to destroy FOCA (the Freedom of Choice Act) Obama aims to sign. Nine days of rosary and fasting. Constant prayer for the unborn. There are tens of thousands of people doing it. It will be interesting to watch what happens.
I'm hopping over to Mindy's blog to check out what enlightening things she has to say.
I wish my brothers and sisters would send pictures from Christmas so I can post them!!! Y'all hear me??
I'm also thinking about Armageddon and war, and financial disasters, too. It's difficult sometimes to balance doing laundry, making lunches, and pontificating inescapable doom. The Novena begins tonight to destroy FOCA (the Freedom of Choice Act) Obama aims to sign. Nine days of rosary and fasting. Constant prayer for the unborn. There are tens of thousands of people doing it. It will be interesting to watch what happens.
I'm hopping over to Mindy's blog to check out what enlightening things she has to say.
I wish my brothers and sisters would send pictures from Christmas so I can post them!!! Y'all hear me??
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Here is Mark Hanna's Obituary
Mark Hanna, age 82, husband of Ellen Argo Hanna, died Sunday, December 28, at home under Hospice care. His body was donated to the Medical College of GA. A memorial service will be held at Central Presbyterian Church, Saturday, January 3, at 10:00 A.M. with the Rev. Charles Cook and the Rev. Hunter Coleman officiating.
Born in Birmingham, Alabama, May 7, 1926, he was the son of the late Lafayette Randolph and Kathryn Parrish Hanna of Birmingham. In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by his brother C. Beaty Hanna of Birmingham. He attended The Webb School, Phillips High School, Birmingham Southern, and University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, from which he received his PhD in 1962.
Prior to completing his education, he served in the Navy during WW II. After graduating from college, he joined the Navy Reserves and was sent to Japan in 1950 during the Korean War. He married Ellen Argo, also of Birmingham, just three weeks before his departure for Japan. Upon returning from the Korean War he joined a brokerage firm before enrolling in graduate school.
He taught at Auburn University from 1958 to 1963 and then at the University of Georgia Terry College of Business, Finance Department, where he taught Investments and Security Analysis from 1963 until retiring and being granted Emeritus status in 1990. While at the University, he served on numerous boards and committees, including ten years on the Athletic Association Board and became an Emeritus member.
In addition to his wife, he is survived by two brothers, Randolph Hanna and Henry Hanna, of Birmingham and five nieces, five sons and twelve grandchildren: John (Erin) of Duluth (Wendy and Sarah of Athens); David (Donna) of Snellville (Josh, Kyle); Steve (Cindy) of Perdido Key, Fl (Andy, Christopher, Lauren); Paul (Sandy) of Dunwoody (Ben, Matt); and Michael (Martha) of Thomasville, (Katie, Will, Brayton).
He was active in Central Presbyterian Church of Athens heading the Daily Bread Ministry for over ten years. He also volunteered with Hospice in its early years. A lover of the outdoors, he hiked the Appalachian Trail from Georgia into Virginia, many peaks in Colorado, the Western States and the Swiss Alps. He was also an avid tennis player.
In lieu of flowers his family requests you make a donation in his memory to the Appalachian Trail Conservancy, 799 Washington Street, P.O. Box 807, Harpers Ferry, WV 25425-0807, or to Central Presbyterian Church for Our Daily Bread, 380 Alps Road, Athens, GA 30606.
Mark Hanna, age 82, husband of Ellen Argo Hanna, died Sunday, December 28, at home under Hospice care. His body was donated to the Medical College of GA. A memorial service will be held at Central Presbyterian Church, Saturday, January 3, at 10:00 A.M. with the Rev. Charles Cook and the Rev. Hunter Coleman officiating.
Born in Birmingham, Alabama, May 7, 1926, he was the son of the late Lafayette Randolph and Kathryn Parrish Hanna of Birmingham. In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by his brother C. Beaty Hanna of Birmingham. He attended The Webb School, Phillips High School, Birmingham Southern, and University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, from which he received his PhD in 1962.
Prior to completing his education, he served in the Navy during WW II. After graduating from college, he joined the Navy Reserves and was sent to Japan in 1950 during the Korean War. He married Ellen Argo, also of Birmingham, just three weeks before his departure for Japan. Upon returning from the Korean War he joined a brokerage firm before enrolling in graduate school.
He taught at Auburn University from 1958 to 1963 and then at the University of Georgia Terry College of Business, Finance Department, where he taught Investments and Security Analysis from 1963 until retiring and being granted Emeritus status in 1990. While at the University, he served on numerous boards and committees, including ten years on the Athletic Association Board and became an Emeritus member.
In addition to his wife, he is survived by two brothers, Randolph Hanna and Henry Hanna, of Birmingham and five nieces, five sons and twelve grandchildren: John (Erin) of Duluth (Wendy and Sarah of Athens); David (Donna) of Snellville (Josh, Kyle); Steve (Cindy) of Perdido Key, Fl (Andy, Christopher, Lauren); Paul (Sandy) of Dunwoody (Ben, Matt); and Michael (Martha) of Thomasville, (Katie, Will, Brayton).
He was active in Central Presbyterian Church of Athens heading the Daily Bread Ministry for over ten years. He also volunteered with Hospice in its early years. A lover of the outdoors, he hiked the Appalachian Trail from Georgia into Virginia, many peaks in Colorado, the Western States and the Swiss Alps. He was also an avid tennis player.
In lieu of flowers his family requests you make a donation in his memory to the Appalachian Trail Conservancy, 799 Washington Street, P.O. Box 807, Harpers Ferry, WV 25425-0807, or to Central Presbyterian Church for Our Daily Bread, 380 Alps Road, Athens, GA 30606.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
One leg of the Journey
After that emotional vomit yesterday, I feel a little better. I had a good cry and a much needed reality check with Mindy. She always has good advice and assignments for me to get myself out of a slump. She made me do homework. I did it. It helped.
So I am sitting here listening to fireworks all around our house, smelling Muggs' cooking and listening to the kids play. I'm thinking about marriage and how fourteen years can go so fast. I heard someone say a long time ago that the secret to their marriage was that they never both fell out of love at the same time. That always stuck with me. I guess it's sort of true, that you are always going through different phases of love with your spouse. We are always changing, but the decision to love and the commitment to the marriage is what keeps it going, not the emotion. The fourteen years that we have been married have been unbelievable. I don't think anyone thought we'd make a life out of the craziness that was our existance at 21 and 22. I'm not going to start singing that stupid Shania Twain song...
Thank God I never thought too hard about what I was doing, because logically, it was impossible. I am so grateful that I was running on the high of eros and the decisions were easy for me to get married and have children, and not necessarity in that order. Muggs gave me someone else to live for, and Emma grounded me and directed my whirlwind of a life. It was the only way for me not to spin out of control. And there are people out there who don't believe in God! Ha! We are living proof of Divine Guidance and I am lucky to believe.
There are so many blessings for which I am grateful, and I know everybody gets down, but I really have so much going for me and so many people who love me, I should never feel like a failure. It's a rough ride sometimes, but then it's so beautiful, too. Happy new year and here's to learning a little more about yourself every day. ~S
"The longest journey of any person is the journey inward."
Dag Hammerskjvld
So I am sitting here listening to fireworks all around our house, smelling Muggs' cooking and listening to the kids play. I'm thinking about marriage and how fourteen years can go so fast. I heard someone say a long time ago that the secret to their marriage was that they never both fell out of love at the same time. That always stuck with me. I guess it's sort of true, that you are always going through different phases of love with your spouse. We are always changing, but the decision to love and the commitment to the marriage is what keeps it going, not the emotion. The fourteen years that we have been married have been unbelievable. I don't think anyone thought we'd make a life out of the craziness that was our existance at 21 and 22. I'm not going to start singing that stupid Shania Twain song...
Thank God I never thought too hard about what I was doing, because logically, it was impossible. I am so grateful that I was running on the high of eros and the decisions were easy for me to get married and have children, and not necessarity in that order. Muggs gave me someone else to live for, and Emma grounded me and directed my whirlwind of a life. It was the only way for me not to spin out of control. And there are people out there who don't believe in God! Ha! We are living proof of Divine Guidance and I am lucky to believe.
There are so many blessings for which I am grateful, and I know everybody gets down, but I really have so much going for me and so many people who love me, I should never feel like a failure. It's a rough ride sometimes, but then it's so beautiful, too. Happy new year and here's to learning a little more about yourself every day. ~S
"The longest journey of any person is the journey inward."
Dag Hammerskjvld
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
I think I can...chug chug chug
No, I'm not drinking. Well, just a little. I'm trying to get back on the blog. I can write here, there's no one stopping me. I don't know why I haven't blogged since summer, but wow, I must have been doing something important. Let's see. Nope, there's no way to catch up so I'll just start where I am. I guess Facebook has taken up my online time a lot since I opened that black hole of cyberspace. It's been interesting to see people from long ago, who's changed, who's the same.... Are any of us the same? I have been pondering the "why am I here?" question a lot lately. I guess the end of this tumultuous year being wrapped up in time has me thinking, what are we doing? I mean Muggs and me, not the whole human race. I can't even begin to ponder that one.... We started out running and scrambling, reacting to so many major life events, and we just seemed to be getting a breather and then the market fell out and we found ourselves back scrambling again. We went through a financial overhaul with Dave Ramsey and began the journey out of debt because it was eating our souls, and then we lost the income factor which is such an important part of the equation. So here we are in not much better shape than we were 2 years ago when we started. I guess a changed attitude about money is progress....but ouch! this really hurts!
And I went through a pretty intense body/health overhaul with my friend Mindy coaching me and thought I had a handle on my food addiction and negative habits...but whammo, Halloween '07 rolled around and behold! there was candy in my house and it was like crack for me. I was back on the pipe, I mean fork, and all I'd gained was lost, (or all I lost was gained) save the experience of "doing it". Here I am a year and a few months later and I dread the mirror and I remember swearing that my new found healthy body was forever ( and meaning it). Time is a bitch. So I am really taking this new year hard. It's heavy on me. Will I get my act together? Will I keep on doing what I'm doing? I've never felt so out of control. Who do I want to be? Is it who I am? Is it possible? One day I think I'm doing good and then I get a sucker punch from out of nowhere like "What the hell were you thinking?! Your life is in chaos!" I can't even believe I'm an adult raising children in this mess - both in me, and in my world.
People make New year's resolutions. I can't even make a resolution for one day. As soon as I make a new rule, something comes along to challenge it. It gets broken. ok, I break it and then I lose faith. This life thing is hard. All the time hard. I guess I need to buff up and hit it head on like I've done so many times in the past. I guess I'm just getting old and tired. How depressing.
I'm also mourning. We lost a good friend this week, Mark Hanna. He has been a family friend since I was a little kid. He helped me and Muggs find a pastor when we wanted to get married. He took us to his beach house year after year...Lori went one year with us, she's gone too....and he was a light in the world. He was kind of a surrogate dad to me, my mom says they were a lot alike, he and my dad, who's gone too. I am mourning for the people I love who are gone, and for Victoria Heil, a girl who reminds me of Lori, who died in a car accident this week. She was a light in the world, too. So sad. We will be going to her funeral tomorrow, and Mark's memorial next weekend.
Muggs and I will celebrate 14 years on New Year's Eve. Fourteen years. That's worth spelling out.
And I went through a pretty intense body/health overhaul with my friend Mindy coaching me and thought I had a handle on my food addiction and negative habits...but whammo, Halloween '07 rolled around and behold! there was candy in my house and it was like crack for me. I was back on the pipe, I mean fork, and all I'd gained was lost, (or all I lost was gained) save the experience of "doing it". Here I am a year and a few months later and I dread the mirror and I remember swearing that my new found healthy body was forever ( and meaning it). Time is a bitch. So I am really taking this new year hard. It's heavy on me. Will I get my act together? Will I keep on doing what I'm doing? I've never felt so out of control. Who do I want to be? Is it who I am? Is it possible? One day I think I'm doing good and then I get a sucker punch from out of nowhere like "What the hell were you thinking?! Your life is in chaos!" I can't even believe I'm an adult raising children in this mess - both in me, and in my world.
People make New year's resolutions. I can't even make a resolution for one day. As soon as I make a new rule, something comes along to challenge it. It gets broken. ok, I break it and then I lose faith. This life thing is hard. All the time hard. I guess I need to buff up and hit it head on like I've done so many times in the past. I guess I'm just getting old and tired. How depressing.
I'm also mourning. We lost a good friend this week, Mark Hanna. He has been a family friend since I was a little kid. He helped me and Muggs find a pastor when we wanted to get married. He took us to his beach house year after year...Lori went one year with us, she's gone too....and he was a light in the world. He was kind of a surrogate dad to me, my mom says they were a lot alike, he and my dad, who's gone too. I am mourning for the people I love who are gone, and for Victoria Heil, a girl who reminds me of Lori, who died in a car accident this week. She was a light in the world, too. So sad. We will be going to her funeral tomorrow, and Mark's memorial next weekend.
Muggs and I will celebrate 14 years on New Year's Eve. Fourteen years. That's worth spelling out.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Yawn!
I am waking up in my own bed, well sort of. We got home last night from our vacation at the beach. It was amazing! Our neighbors invited us to stay at their house on St. George Island in Florida. You must know what generous people they are when you consider our family of 7 and all of our effects! Well, the house was humongous and we all fit just fine. The weather was ideal and the ocean was inspirational and healing as it always is. My kids and I can just spend an entire day digging in the sand. We love it! So as I rouse from Julianna's bed (I got edged out of my own by little kid bodies) I am thankful to have been at the ocean with my family, and thankful to be home!
The kids were so rotten on the way home (7 hours) that their punishment was to unload and clean out the entire van by themselves when we got home. I didn't say "and put it away" as I usually remember to do, so I now get to attack the enormous pile of refuse in my foyer. Yay.
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