It's 2am the night before, or the morning of, the first day of school. My babies are asleep. Emma is going to High School. Julianna is going to Intermediate school for 5th grade, Melanie is in 4th, the eldest at Bascomb Elementary, Jackson is in 2nd and Andrew, my little boy, is going to Kindergarten. At 8:15am I will be alone. I have 6 more hours of being a stay at home mom. I am going to work, and they are going to school. It's done.
I have worked off an on over the past fourteen years, but not full time since Julianna was born. She's 10. I'm freaking out. I have been so child centered for so long, I can't imagine focusing on myself, my career as an artist, making money, supporting us financially, owning a business. It's so strange to shift focus. I know that just because they are in school doesn't mean I'm done, not by a long shot....these four years with Emma are going to be tough. The younger four need so much from me, too, but during the day, they are in someone else's care. I feel a little guilty about that. My house is going to be quiet for a big chunk of time. I can think. That could be dangerous.
I wonder if I did a good job. I mean, I know I gave all of myself to my children, (I know that because there's not much left) but I wonder if I really did my best. There were so many times I was just so tired that I couldn't think, or act, clearly. The law of motion dictated a lot of my parenting. Once things were set on a course, I maintained and reacted, not necessarily driving the ship, but manning it. I don' know. I watch other people now and second guess my choices. I'm sure everyone does. Ugh! I'm so damn emotional! Maybe I shouldn't have watched the "break up" episode of John and Kate Plus Eight. I was transfixed by their pain and the thought that it's SO easy to quit. This is how it's done, this is what it looks like. They just move on, and deal with it. God.
I put a note on Emma's napkin in her lunch box. I don't think I ever did that before. I never wanted them to get homesick during the day with a whiny note saying hey! don't forget me! But now that she's OLD, and somewhat emotionally sound (I can't believe I'm saying that! she's a teenager with raging hormones!) I figured it was ok to shout out from the homestead and tell her I'm proud of her. I really am. My God, she is so different than I was at 14. She actually cares about stuff. She's a good kid. She's a beautiful girl. I am truly proud to be her mom.
I've got three brunches to go to tomorrow, and I could get a massage, or a facial. I could go for a walk, or to the gym. I could paint all day. I could organize something, rearrange, clean out the garage, or the basement and get my studio started. I could stay in bed and cry. I could drink. I wonder what I'll feel like doing.
I hope I don't follow the bus.
