Not that I can speak for the whole of today, cause you never know what's going to happen...but I'm grumpy and tired and SLOW moving this morning. I am having an internal battle with the idea of having to be Doing something, anything, to be justified. I guess it is the watchful eye of parents that makes me believe this...and past employers, and society in general. The value for being busy is high in these parts. School is 7 hours of unending activity...hurry up and get to the next thing. The kids come home frenzied, then dazed, then exhausted. Then football! Oh, football. Where have we been without you? Jack is finally entertained! The boy wakes up bored. If he's not Doing for more than 5 minutes, he's devastatingly bored. Football has practically ended that. Right now they are practicing every night for 2 hours. That will drop to 3 days a week and a game on Saturday. Anyway, the internal battle I was talking about. Jack doesn't have it I guess, he's just wired to be going 24-7 at about a 50mph clip. I am a bit more subdued. I like a 25mph pace, (unless I'm actually driving)and I like to turn off the main roads and get lost and see what I can see. I've always found that song 'The Bear Went over the Mountain' depressing. There's no value in seeing the other side of the mountain?? That's a hymn to keep the people down and in their place. Don't like it. I like to see.
So my agitation is that with Emma at home, there's no daily structure. She does get up and clean and go with me to work or stay at home and map out the week or month or plan something...but I am NOT IN CONTROL OF WHAT SHE DOES. I knew this wasn't going to be easy. This year is dedicated to her doing what she finds interesting and going as deep as she desires into whatever it is. It's an abomination in the eyes of traditional dictator-ish parenting! It's a stretch even for me! I like to think of myself as a respectful parent in my best moments, which admits that I don't always meet that goal. I have said the words "Because I said so" on many occasions and though I am not regretful of them, I see their lack of respect and worth. I'm definately not at the "we're all equals here" level, and I may never be, but I do see my kids as NOT MY POSSESSIONS and myself as their caretaker and not their boss. They are a gift to me, I get to be their mom for this lifetime, and they belong to God. I'm a guardian. I protect, defend, and prepare them for their lives, which are uniquely their own. So when I say "Because I said so!" What I really am saying is I am too tired/angry/hungry/sad/lazy/irritated/distracted to debate this. And that's just human. Not great, but real.
So back to the pressure of quantity over quality. Today I'm going to put it aside and do what I have to do so I can do what I want to do. I heard that in a GREAT movie this weekend 'The Great Debaters'. Forest Whitaker kept saying that to his son. Tis truth. Reading Rx: James Farmer. 'Lay Bare The Heart'
On to do what I have to do...paint something, quote something, pick some colors, take a cellular shade to Buckhead cause my painter broke it, and eat. Emma is doing her thing. I'm stepping back a half step.
