After that emotional vomit yesterday, I feel a little better. I had a good cry and a much needed reality check with Mindy. She always has good advice and assignments for me to get myself out of a slump. She made me do homework. I did it. It helped.
So I am sitting here listening to fireworks all around our house, smelling Muggs' cooking and listening to the kids play. I'm thinking about marriage and how fourteen years can go so fast. I heard someone say a long time ago that the secret to their marriage was that they never both fell out of love at the same time. That always stuck with me. I guess it's sort of true, that you are always going through different phases of love with your spouse. We are always changing, but the decision to love and the commitment to the marriage is what keeps it going, not the emotion. The fourteen years that we have been married have been unbelievable. I don't think anyone thought we'd make a life out of the craziness that was our existance at 21 and 22. I'm not going to start singing that stupid Shania Twain song...
Thank God I never thought too hard about what I was doing, because logically, it was impossible. I am so grateful that I was running on the high of eros and the decisions were easy for me to get married and have children, and not necessarity in that order. Muggs gave me someone else to live for, and Emma grounded me and directed my whirlwind of a life. It was the only way for me not to spin out of control. And there are people out there who don't believe in God! Ha! We are living proof of Divine Guidance and I am lucky to believe.
There are so many blessings for which I am grateful, and I know everybody gets down, but I really have so much going for me and so many people who love me, I should never feel like a failure. It's a rough ride sometimes, but then it's so beautiful, too. Happy new year and here's to learning a little more about yourself every day. ~S
"The longest journey of any person is the journey inward."
Dag Hammerskjvld
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
I think I can...chug chug chug
No, I'm not drinking. Well, just a little. I'm trying to get back on the blog. I can write here, there's no one stopping me. I don't know why I haven't blogged since summer, but wow, I must have been doing something important. Let's see. Nope, there's no way to catch up so I'll just start where I am. I guess Facebook has taken up my online time a lot since I opened that black hole of cyberspace. It's been interesting to see people from long ago, who's changed, who's the same.... Are any of us the same? I have been pondering the "why am I here?" question a lot lately. I guess the end of this tumultuous year being wrapped up in time has me thinking, what are we doing? I mean Muggs and me, not the whole human race. I can't even begin to ponder that one.... We started out running and scrambling, reacting to so many major life events, and we just seemed to be getting a breather and then the market fell out and we found ourselves back scrambling again. We went through a financial overhaul with Dave Ramsey and began the journey out of debt because it was eating our souls, and then we lost the income factor which is such an important part of the equation. So here we are in not much better shape than we were 2 years ago when we started. I guess a changed attitude about money is progress....but ouch! this really hurts!
And I went through a pretty intense body/health overhaul with my friend Mindy coaching me and thought I had a handle on my food addiction and negative habits...but whammo, Halloween '07 rolled around and behold! there was candy in my house and it was like crack for me. I was back on the pipe, I mean fork, and all I'd gained was lost, (or all I lost was gained) save the experience of "doing it". Here I am a year and a few months later and I dread the mirror and I remember swearing that my new found healthy body was forever ( and meaning it). Time is a bitch. So I am really taking this new year hard. It's heavy on me. Will I get my act together? Will I keep on doing what I'm doing? I've never felt so out of control. Who do I want to be? Is it who I am? Is it possible? One day I think I'm doing good and then I get a sucker punch from out of nowhere like "What the hell were you thinking?! Your life is in chaos!" I can't even believe I'm an adult raising children in this mess - both in me, and in my world.
People make New year's resolutions. I can't even make a resolution for one day. As soon as I make a new rule, something comes along to challenge it. It gets broken. ok, I break it and then I lose faith. This life thing is hard. All the time hard. I guess I need to buff up and hit it head on like I've done so many times in the past. I guess I'm just getting old and tired. How depressing.
I'm also mourning. We lost a good friend this week, Mark Hanna. He has been a family friend since I was a little kid. He helped me and Muggs find a pastor when we wanted to get married. He took us to his beach house year after year...Lori went one year with us, she's gone too....and he was a light in the world. He was kind of a surrogate dad to me, my mom says they were a lot alike, he and my dad, who's gone too. I am mourning for the people I love who are gone, and for Victoria Heil, a girl who reminds me of Lori, who died in a car accident this week. She was a light in the world, too. So sad. We will be going to her funeral tomorrow, and Mark's memorial next weekend.
Muggs and I will celebrate 14 years on New Year's Eve. Fourteen years. That's worth spelling out.
And I went through a pretty intense body/health overhaul with my friend Mindy coaching me and thought I had a handle on my food addiction and negative habits...but whammo, Halloween '07 rolled around and behold! there was candy in my house and it was like crack for me. I was back on the pipe, I mean fork, and all I'd gained was lost, (or all I lost was gained) save the experience of "doing it". Here I am a year and a few months later and I dread the mirror and I remember swearing that my new found healthy body was forever ( and meaning it). Time is a bitch. So I am really taking this new year hard. It's heavy on me. Will I get my act together? Will I keep on doing what I'm doing? I've never felt so out of control. Who do I want to be? Is it who I am? Is it possible? One day I think I'm doing good and then I get a sucker punch from out of nowhere like "What the hell were you thinking?! Your life is in chaos!" I can't even believe I'm an adult raising children in this mess - both in me, and in my world.
People make New year's resolutions. I can't even make a resolution for one day. As soon as I make a new rule, something comes along to challenge it. It gets broken. ok, I break it and then I lose faith. This life thing is hard. All the time hard. I guess I need to buff up and hit it head on like I've done so many times in the past. I guess I'm just getting old and tired. How depressing.
I'm also mourning. We lost a good friend this week, Mark Hanna. He has been a family friend since I was a little kid. He helped me and Muggs find a pastor when we wanted to get married. He took us to his beach house year after year...Lori went one year with us, she's gone too....and he was a light in the world. He was kind of a surrogate dad to me, my mom says they were a lot alike, he and my dad, who's gone too. I am mourning for the people I love who are gone, and for Victoria Heil, a girl who reminds me of Lori, who died in a car accident this week. She was a light in the world, too. So sad. We will be going to her funeral tomorrow, and Mark's memorial next weekend.
Muggs and I will celebrate 14 years on New Year's Eve. Fourteen years. That's worth spelling out.
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