Not feeling the sunny side

If you are looking for cheerful inspiration, stop reading now. Not feeling it today. Mama always said emotions are like a box of chocolates and today I am that nasty orange fluff that curls my lip.
My grandmother is dying. It's not that it's too soon...she's almost 95. That is an unfathomable age. When she was born they did not have a bathroom, a car, heat, air conditioner, or a private phone line. I'm surprised the shock of living through so many changes in the world didn't kill her alone. The world outside is nearly unrecognizable to rural Mississippi early 1900s. With the exception of people. People haven't changed so much. And that's why she made it. Nannie married my Pop and had two daughters that lived. I believe she had five miscarriages and a still born son, Andrew. My mother is her oldest daughter. From the beginning of her married life she cared for others. She was disowned for marrying a Catholic, but cared for her estranged family members as they aged and needed help as if it never happened. Without hesitation. Nannie cared for her siblings, all 12 of them, at one time or another. She gave them shelter when they needed a place to stay, food when they were hungry, advice when they needed it (or not), and made clothes for everyone. Her hands were directly connected to her heart. She made her children's clothes, food, and world. She was the heart of the family. She continued to love in the face of betrayal, heartache, disappointment, and abuse. She was the glue that held them together.
When I came around, Nannie was the center of my world. She lived with us shortly after I was born and bestowed upon me the lion's share of her love and attention. I grew up thinking I was royalty. Though it took some hard lessons to give me the right perspective about my royalty, I still to this day feel eternally blessed through her eyes.

Her eyes are dimming. And that's why I am hurting today. This is the end of something I can't see beyond. Tomorrow I might have some sense of perspective, understanding, peace, but today it just hurts real bad. This side of a great loss is uncomfortably heavy.